My Powerful Little Girl

Hi baby girl. I have some thoughts that I want to share with you. First of all, I'm so excited to meet you. I can tell you're going to be a powerful woman someday, full of grace and intelligence. We named you Olivia because the olive tree stands for peace, and that's what this post to you is about: inner peace.

I'll start off by sharing an experience I had early on in my pregnancy with you. I'm about 6 1/2 months along now, and this happened a few months ago... I was in the doctor's office meeting with one of the midwives at Kaiser, the hospital where I'm going to have you. I had chosen this particular midwife because I thought she would be gentle and understanding. Turns out, not so much. After bitching at the (perfectly nice) nurse in front of me for not getting me into a robe, the midwife then had me take off my shirt for a breast exam. That's kind of a vulnerable position to begin with. Then, without telling me what she was doing, she started pinching my nipples hard, and said, "You have flat nipples. You're going to have problems breastfeeding."

She didn't say that it was should something that I should be aware of, something that can be dealt with (which it can). She didn't provide me with any resources or offer me advice on how to start learning different techniques that would help me breastfeed you successfully. No, she said, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS, and left it at that.

My life experience has told me so far that while there are some great doctors and nurses around, many people in the medical community like to hold their power over their their patients. I'm not sure why this is, but it's hurtful and unnecessary. This midwife was no different. Here I am, pregnant for the first time, full of all kinds of new and intense feelings and questions, and this midwife - who's supposed to be helping me and doing no harm, according to the Hippocratic oath - is bringing me down a few notches. Maybe she did it to make herself feel better or stronger, I don't know. But I do know this: that woman took away some of my power.

When I say "power," I'm talking about an inner strength innate to people who know who they are. I have worked hard in my life to gain that power, the grace that comes from knowing exactly who I am and who I want to be. I don't have control over every situation, but I can control how I move about in the world. But I haven't had this power my whole life, so it's still vulnerable to attack now and then. Your dad is amazing at knowing who he is in any situation; with SMA, he's had so many people try to use it as an advantage to take away his power. But he doesn't let them. He is an inspiration to me in this way, how strong he is in the face of people who want to make him powerless for their own selfish reasons.

Unfortunately, these people exist more than I'd like to admit. I'm not sure why they like to belittle others, though I suspect it has to do with their inner insecurities and demons. Some people see someone with inner power, and their gut reaction is to damage that person in some emotional way. I feel bad for these people. Ultimately, if you take someone else's power away, all it does is make you both weaker. The way to become stronger is to empower others, because then you gain strength together. This is another lesson I've learned from watching your father, and to some extent, his dad. Only some can have physical power, but everyone has access to the powerful knowledge of self.

I wish this power for you more than anything. I didn't know what it was or how to gain it until I was in my twenties. It was a hard-won battle for me, and it's something I'm still working on, every day. Now that you're just a couple of months away from arriving in the world, I feel a strong desire to be the best person I can for you, a process that will continue for the rest of my life. I want to get better at not allowing others to take my power away, so that I can give you the best example I can. (Although you might want to turn to your dad for this one, he's the pro.) There are people in all walks of life, people in business, in medicine, or even in line at the bank who will try to take your power away in some way. These people are bullies, make no mistake about it. But here's the good part: they can only take what you let them.

That midwife took my power away that day because I was so shocked that I didn't say anything to her in the office. I did switch to a doctor I liked a lot better, and I told her what had happened, though it didn't come to anything. But I've found ways to get my power back, including reading books, taking a breastfeeding class, and other things that are positive experiences. I wish I'd been stronger and kept her from treating me like that in the first place, but I'm not perfect. I'm still working on this thing.

Livvy, I love you, and I want you to be able to stand your ground when you are attacked emotionally. It will happen, I can't protect you from it even though I wish I could. What I want to do for you, more than anything, is to work on my own sense of self so that you have a better starting ground than I did. I know I will make mistakes, and I'm sorry if I'm not always a perfect example, or if - God forbid - I ever try to take your power away in some way that I'm not aware of. I love you so much, and I want you to be the most powerful woman you can be. I know you're going to be great, and I can't wait to see the amazing woman you're destined to become.

Love, Mom