My Powerful Little Girl

Hi baby girl. I have some thoughts that I want to share with you. First of all, I'm so excited to meet you. I can tell you're going to be a powerful woman someday, full of grace and intelligence. We named you Olivia because the olive tree stands for peace, and that's what this post to you is about: inner peace.

I'll start off by sharing an experience I had early on in my pregnancy with you. I'm about 6 1/2 months along now, and this happened a few months ago... I was in the doctor's office meeting with one of the midwives at Kaiser, the hospital where I'm going to have you. I had chosen this particular midwife because I thought she would be gentle and understanding. Turns out, not so much. After bitching at the (perfectly nice) nurse in front of me for not getting me into a robe, the midwife then had me take off my shirt for a breast exam. That's kind of a vulnerable position to begin with. Then, without telling me what she was doing, she started pinching my nipples hard, and said, "You have flat nipples. You're going to have problems breastfeeding."

She didn't say that it was should something that I should be aware of, something that can be dealt with (which it can). She didn't provide me with any resources or offer me advice on how to start learning different techniques that would help me breastfeed you successfully. No, she said, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS, and left it at that.

My life experience has told me so far that while there are some great doctors and nurses around, many people in the medical community like to hold their power over their their patients. I'm not sure why this is, but it's hurtful and unnecessary. This midwife was no different. Here I am, pregnant for the first time, full of all kinds of new and intense feelings and questions, and this midwife - who's supposed to be helping me and doing no harm, according to the Hippocratic oath - is bringing me down a few notches. Maybe she did it to make herself feel better or stronger, I don't know. But I do know this: that woman took away some of my power.

When I say "power," I'm talking about an inner strength innate to people who know who they are. I have worked hard in my life to gain that power, the grace that comes from knowing exactly who I am and who I want to be. I don't have control over every situation, but I can control how I move about in the world. But I haven't had this power my whole life, so it's still vulnerable to attack now and then. Your dad is amazing at knowing who he is in any situation; with SMA, he's had so many people try to use it as an advantage to take away his power. But he doesn't let them. He is an inspiration to me in this way, how strong he is in the face of people who want to make him powerless for their own selfish reasons.

Unfortunately, these people exist more than I'd like to admit. I'm not sure why they like to belittle others, though I suspect it has to do with their inner insecurities and demons. Some people see someone with inner power, and their gut reaction is to damage that person in some emotional way. I feel bad for these people. Ultimately, if you take someone else's power away, all it does is make you both weaker. The way to become stronger is to empower others, because then you gain strength together. This is another lesson I've learned from watching your father, and to some extent, his dad. Only some can have physical power, but everyone has access to the powerful knowledge of self.

I wish this power for you more than anything. I didn't know what it was or how to gain it until I was in my twenties. It was a hard-won battle for me, and it's something I'm still working on, every day. Now that you're just a couple of months away from arriving in the world, I feel a strong desire to be the best person I can for you, a process that will continue for the rest of my life. I want to get better at not allowing others to take my power away, so that I can give you the best example I can. (Although you might want to turn to your dad for this one, he's the pro.) There are people in all walks of life, people in business, in medicine, or even in line at the bank who will try to take your power away in some way. These people are bullies, make no mistake about it. But here's the good part: they can only take what you let them.

That midwife took my power away that day because I was so shocked that I didn't say anything to her in the office. I did switch to a doctor I liked a lot better, and I told her what had happened, though it didn't come to anything. But I've found ways to get my power back, including reading books, taking a breastfeeding class, and other things that are positive experiences. I wish I'd been stronger and kept her from treating me like that in the first place, but I'm not perfect. I'm still working on this thing.

Livvy, I love you, and I want you to be able to stand your ground when you are attacked emotionally. It will happen, I can't protect you from it even though I wish I could. What I want to do for you, more than anything, is to work on my own sense of self so that you have a better starting ground than I did. I know I will make mistakes, and I'm sorry if I'm not always a perfect example, or if - God forbid - I ever try to take your power away in some way that I'm not aware of. I love you so much, and I want you to be the most powerful woman you can be. I know you're going to be great, and I can't wait to see the amazing woman you're destined to become.

Love, Mom

Dear Olivia

Dear Olivia,

Today was the first day I saw you. I have felt you, heard you, even talked to you, but until now I didn’t know who you were or even what you were. I know that seems weird to say but it’s true. You were the most important mystery in my life.

Now you are there - a healthy, beautiful baby girl. My baby girl. We saw your face, your feet, your eyes. In a matter of seconds my whole life changed and I can’t wait to meet you. I only wish you were here now but I know you have more work to do. No matter - you will be here soon enough. In the meantime, I am so thankful to have the chance to bond with you. While you are in there, I will be out here working as hard as I can to make every opportunity in the world available to you. I want you to know how important this is to me. There is and will be nothing you can’t accomplish and I will work everyday to make sure this is how you come into the world.

I can’t wait to meet you in person. While we have an idea of what you look like, I know there will be nothing like the first day we truly see you. I will be there to hold you and love you in your first moments. You will always be loved. There is nothing in the world that will make me happier than knowing you are loved from the minute you arrive. I know you will also love back and I know you will continue this tradition in our family which is all I could ever ask for.

I love you so much already. It is like a new part of my heart that was saved just for you is now open and ready to start doing its job. I hope that no matter what happens in our life, in our world, you know the day I first “met” you was one of the most special and important in my life.

I will see you soon.

Love,
Dad

Our Little Girl

Your dad and I found out just a few days ago that we're going to have a little girl, and I can't imagine being more excited. We had been trying to come up with a boy's name in case you were a boy, but the girl's name we had picked out we were completely sure of from the very beginning: Olivia Anne Robb.

We had picked out your name before you were conceived, maybe a year before you existed. Olivia means "olive tree," which is a symbol of peace. The olive tree also stands for fruitfulness, beauty, and dignity. I can't think of anything more perfect to describe our first child, an amazing daughter.

Tonight your dad and I talked on the phone before bed because he's traveling right now (he's in Nashville this trip). He told me that he couldn't wait to see you, that he wished you were here now. I know what he means. I haven't even held you yet, and I'm already so in love with you. Your father and I love you so much already, and I'm still just five months pregnant!

I was thinking tonight about the different kinds of love in my life. I love our pets, the sweet dogs and silly cats that used to run our household. I love these animals, they're a part of our family. And I love your father more than anyone I've ever known; he's the most amazing, kind, stubborn, loving man I've ever met. I love him so much sometimes that I lay awake at night praying that God would keep him safe and healthy, so that he and I can grow old together.

But I've never felt love like I already feel for you. It's a fiercely protective kind of love, the knowledge that I, one of the laziest people on earth, would literally do anything for you to keep you happy and healthy. there seems like there's so much that could happen to you, I'm kept awake at night thinking about all the different ways I can keep you safe and sound.

Of course, I'm also being kept awake by your little kicks. I've been feeling you kick inside me for a while, but it was only yesterday that I was positively sure that it was you I was feeling, and not just a little gas. (Yes, your mom gets gas. Just wait until you're older, and then I'll really start to embarrass you.) And today, I was having brunch with my parents (your grandpa and grandma), and your kicks were so strong, it was like being gently poked from the inside out. Tonight, I'm writing this entry well into the wee hours because when I'm trying to sleep, you decide it's time to party in there. But I don't mind, because did I mention that I'd do anything for you? Putting up with some karate chops is just the beginning.

Your dad and I made you because we loved each other so incredibly much. Trust me, I wouldn't have gone through the months of intense morning sickness and the ongoing dry heaves for just anyone. I wanted your father's baby, because I think he's going to be the best dad that the world has ever seen. And now that you're on your way, I can't imagine life before you existed. The things that used to keep me up at night were thoughts about my design projects, or family issues, or any number of adult concerns. Now, I lie awake thinking about nursery colors, what color your hair might be, and what you'll wear during your first few months of life. I have officially been consumed by you, and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

You have already brought me and your dad so much joy, and with each passing month we get more excited for your arrival. I can't wait to meet you, baby girl. Welcome to our family.